WASHING POWDER HAS NO LOYALTY TO ME

14 Dec

SInce as long as I can remember (which is 34.65 years) Ariel has been the washing powder of choice within our family. My baby clothes, my football kits and my secrets skirts have all been washed using Ariel. It’s a huge brand with millions of customers world wide and all I did was ask for a little something back.

If you have read my previous blogs you will know that Tetley were kind enough to send me some free tea bags. Below is a picture of myself taken at the moment that tetley advised me of their generosity.

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Once the tea bags had arrived I boiled the kettle and sat down to enjoy the warm brew I had made thanks to them, by god free tea tastes so much better. Halfway through my 18th sip however disaster struck. I developed a violent twitch due to excitement and somehow managed to throw half of the tea all over what I was wearing at the time. See below picture taken just after the incident occurred.

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The tea stain was on the back of this dress. Realising I needed to wash it it occurred to me that I had no washing powder and it was at this point I decided to contact Ariel and ask for some.

Surprise surprise as yet they haven’t replied. My dress is still dirty and I am very sad. See below.

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Compare this image to the one of me when Tetley replied and it’s clear Ariel have made me very sad.

A poem for Ariel

Ariel Ariel you have cleaned my stuff,
Making soft what once was rough,
My mother used to wash my hair,
Using your wash powder she didn’t care,
Growing up with you has made me so loyal,
If I was a flower you’d be my soil,
I cried out to you in my hour of need,
You could have been my bean stalk my magic seed,
Did you reply or even read my mail?
I fear the answer is a sorry old tale,
34 years of loyalty to you,
Now I’m feeling down and blue,
Don’t you care that you’ve destroyed me inside,
I thought I was special I guess you lied,
From this point on I’m going to use bold,
And hope this pain goes away and this memory gets old,
Goodbye my favourite wash powder it’s been a hell of a ride,
But you’ve let me down and I’m hurting inside.

Washing powder facts

1) Washing powder was invented by Thomas Irlam, he was a farmer from Devon. Sick of having dirty sheep he worked for years on a way to keep them clean. Using cola cubes and plain flower he added one more secret ingredient that to this day still remains a mystery. Ariel in Latin actually means, “flock that is clean”

2) The first item of clothing ever cleaned was a pair of pants and upto 15 people a year drown in washing machines because they don’t realise they have to take their clothes off before washing.

Thanks for reading and hopefully following..

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DONT MEET YOUR HERO’S YOU WILL ONLY BE DISAPPOINTED

7 Dec

There is a very definite pattern forming whereby Tetley appear to be the only company with a sense of humour and generous nature. My success rate is now running at 0.988755788877% so when contacting Kellogs I honestly believed the odds were in my favour.

I’ve eaten Kellogs cornflakes since I was a child, at the age of ten I discovered milk and at 14 I learnt to use a spoon. The magical combination of flakes, milk and spoon was wonderful, at the age of 15 I learnt to use a bowl and my perfect breakfast meal was complete.

I actually appeared on the first ever box of cornflakes, it hit the shelves 64 years ago and can be seen below.

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Everyone said I was such a handsome lad and this was the favourite box cover of many cornflake lovers, I was only young so took it all in my stride really, it was only later that I realised what an honour this was.

In 1974 the centenary box was released and yet again they asked me to appear on the box. So after a good shave and make up I adorned the box cover yet again. (see below)

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It’s now only natural after years of loyalty that I include Kellogs in my mission for free stuff. I sent them a mail last Tuesday explaining my blog etc and waited eagerly for a response.

Did I get one? Did I heck. It’s like people say, “You should never meet your child hood hero’s you’ll just be disappointed” this is similar but in the form of a flake.

It’s almost like they have forgotten me and I don’t mean anything to them anymore.

I am trying to work out if asking for free stuff is actually worth it. Using the data I have compiled so far I entered my findings into a very complex computer programme in the hope it would give me some answers. The computer spent 12 hours crunching data before giving me an answer in the form of two diagrams. The first is based on my enthusiasm at the start of this project and can be seen below.

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And my current state of mind is mapped out here.

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I won’t insult your intelligence by explaining what each diagram means I’m sure it’s pretty clear to you.

Here is my poem for kellogs.

Kellogs cornflakes I adorned your box,
I loved your flakes from my hat to my socks,
Don’t you remember this handsome young man?
Please try and send me stuff when you can,
It’s been a few days now since I sent you my mail,
Don’t let me down now, please do not fail.
From the moment I started to eat I enjoyed your flakes.
Just one free box thats all it takes,
I’m begging you now, please don’t let me down,
I’m a red nose and you are my clown,
I’ll leave it for now and hope that you come through,
For now I’ll eat weetabix whilst thinking of you.

Facts about kellogs.

1) This first one annoys me but is completely true. In 1907, one of the ad campaigns for Kellogg’s Corn Flakes (then the Battle Creek Toasted Corn Flake Company) offered a free box of cereal to every woman who would wink at her grocer. This really rubs salt in my wounds.

2) In various parts of North America cornflakes were actually used as currency, the first cornflake millionaire was Travis Boomberger but he was ruined during the great milk disaster of 1918. See below old cornflake currency and the coin that eventually replaced it.

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Thanks for reading and hopefully supporting, be back with more soon.

THANKS FOR NOTHING PRINGLES!

5 Dec

This asking for free stuff lark is harder than I thought it would be. Maybe I didn’t go into it with my eyes open but I am genuinely surprised at the amount of rejections I am getting. My latest failure was my attempt to get some free stuff off Pringles. One tube of ready salted was all I wanted but they rejected me.

They replied in a very polite fashion but it was still just a glorified “Get lost you cheeky sod” sort of response.

I have always enjoyed pringles both the crisps and putting the lid in my mouth to stretch my lips.
(Example of what’s possible with lid in mouth.)

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Now even using the tubes as a communicating devices with a length of string in-between just won’t be the same.

I used to have so much fun doing this. See below one of my earliest pringles listening devices.

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In future I shall eat Walkers crisps only (although I have also asked them for some free crisps and have yet to even get a response) I will use digestive biscuits to stretch my lips (note to self contact whoever makes digestives and ask for some) and I will use empty cans (not Heinz because they rejected me) for my toy speaking device.

I don’t think Pringles realise just what a life long fan I have been, the below picture was taken during the height of my Pringles fascination, it shows myself and my grandmother after a day out to the zoo, she was baby sitting for me on this particular day, I was around 23 at the time.

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However you don’t realise it’s not just me that you have upset, I have a pet cat called Steve, he to is gutted.

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This poem was very upsetting and even the salt from my tears taste better than your crisps do to me now.

Pringles you are now completely dead to me,
All you had to do was send me some free,
I’m now gonna try and make my own,
Using potatoes and my oven at home,
I’ve always been your biggest fan,
Chomping your crisps whenever I can,
It’s like a part of me has died inside,
My love for you is on the slide,
You was the hero of the crisp world,
How can you be so bloody cold?
My life is in bits because of you twits,
Even my cats had enough and gone off in a huff,
I hope your proud of what you’ve done,
My heart is now heavy it weighs a tonne,
Good bye my favourite crisps I’ll miss you I’m sure,
But you rejected me so there is the door.

Pringles facts.

1) The name ‘Pringles’ came from a Cincinnati telephone book, they found a street name called Pringle Drive in Finneytown, Ohio. It’s fortunate they picked this street because the street next door was bum lane. The first apollo mission into space used a craft made completely from Pringles tubes.
(below image is Apollo 1, ready for it’s first flight in 1951)

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This mission was followed by Apollo 2, Apollo Crede and Apollo day keeps the doctor away.

2) Pringles are thin saddle shaped potato crisps which are very popular today, in the early 1800s soldiers actually trained mice to fight and used Pringles as saddles. The beauty of this is even if they got hungry they would never starve because they could eat the saddle, and the mouse but that would have meant walking home.
Below is the earliest example of a fighting mouse.

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Thanks for reading and hopefully following, be back with more updates soon.

DO BRANSTON THINK IM AN IDIOT?

1 Dec

So after Heinz rejected me (very politely but a rejection all the same) I hired a researcher to help me find out who else makes beans, at £100 an hour I was hoping he would come up with something for me. Fortunately after 2 minutes he advised me that Branston do in fact now sell baked beans! I thanked him and paid him £3.33 before getting on it and emailing them. Below is the mail I sent them.

“Hi I run a blog called if you don’t ask you don’t get, I recently asked Heinz for some free beans but they politely declined, would you like to steal their thunder and send me some free beans? I love beans.”

Now upto this point they haven’t replied and I am putting this down to a number of reasons.

1) They think I’m an idiot.
2) They think that I think they are idiots.
3) An idiot read my mail and deleted it.
4) An idiot read my mail but chose to ignore it.
5) They believe Heinz are idiots and should have sent me some free stuff
6) They feel second best and therefore would feel like idiots if they sent me any beans.

The graph below sums all this up better.

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I can’t help feeling very disappointed about not yet getting a response.

I sent them a stupid email asking for free stuff at no cost to me and they haven’t replied.

I had real trouble not sounding bitter when I wrote this poem..

Branston beans you have not replied.
I’ve gone to my room, sat down and cried.
At least Heinz acknowledged me and politely declined,
You can’t be bothered and wont spend the time.
For years and years I’ve enjoyed your pickle,
Now my enthusiasm is nowt but a trickle,
When I see your goods in the shops I’ll just walk away,
One email from you and you’d have made my day!
(note to self, get back in touch with researcher and find out if anyone else makes baked beans.)

Branston facts

1) The first ever rubiks cube was made out of Branston chunks. This product was however doomed to failure because users started to complain about smelly fingers and they dried up and melted if left in the sun for to long.

The below highlights this problem. This is one of the earliest rubiks cubes and it’s owner had only left it outside for 36 seconds.

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2) Branston pickle was originally just called Branston only, it was just a brown syrup, it was only when Richard Branson took them to court for having a name to similar that they added the pickles to it and their famous brand was born. The first pickle chunks were made of wood!

Richard Branson in court the day pickles were added

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Thanks for reading will be back soon…

MR KIPLING HAS MADE ME PARANOID

1 Dec

So to cut a long story short I have written to Mr Kipling asking for one of his exceedingly good cakes. The below cake represents my level of enthusiasm whilst sending him my email.

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I know it’s only been less than 48 hrs since I sent the mail but this has really affected me and I’m starting to get a bit paranoid. The below cake now represents my current mood.

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You see the thing Is I’ve always seen Mr Kipling as a favourite uncle type of person, he was a mystical character to me as a child, he was the advert version of Willy Wonka. Now I find myself paranoid that all of my illusions from child hood are about to be shattered. Mr Kipling please at least send me a reply??

This Poem sums up how I’m feeling.

Mr Kipling, you was great in my child hood,
I used to love your adverts and your nice food,
Don’t let me down and ignore my request,
I’ve remained loyal and think your cakes are the best,
I’m now getting worried and think you don’t care?
Please prove me wrong and end this cake nightmare.

Cake facts

1) During the first Olympic Games, athletes were given cheesecakes. It is believed cheesecake was invented by mistake when a chef named doah diddy mistook a block of cheddar cheese for marzipan!

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2) The word cake originates from the Latin word cake, but only recently have people translated this as cake. It’s Latin meaning is derived from a combination of the terms iced disk and big bloody bun. It’s a little know fact that cakes were originally used as pillows and cushions, the fact they are edible was discovered by chance when Henry VIII slept face down, doctors at the time said he would have suffocated if he hadn’t eaten his way free.

Thanks for reading and hopefully following…

I’M NOT ONE TO SAY THAT FOREIGN CALL CENTRES DON’T UNDERSTAND ENGLISH BUT…

29 Nov

So, I sent the below email to Microsoft.

Hi, I run a blog called ,”If you don’t ask you don’t get,” I’m basically asking for free stuff and then keeping my readers updated on the responses I get. Is there any chance of you sending me some free stuff please doesn’t matter how large or how small. It’s just a bit of fun x

Now at this point I will ask, is there anyone that doesn’t understand my above mail?

No?

Good.

Here is the reply I received.

Hello Paul,

Thank you for contacting Microsoft Customer Service.

In order to assist you better, I need additional information:

-The task you are trying to accomplish.
-The steps you performed and where the process failed.
-The exact and complete wording of any error message you received.
-Please provide the URL or link you are referring to.

Once I have these details, I will be able to determine the appropriate resources to assist you.

I appreciate your patience and look forward to your reply.

Thank you,

All I wanted was a free mouse mat or something. There is a lesson to be learned here somewhere I think.

Anyway I wrote this poem to celebrate.

Microsoft Microsoft I asked for some things,
I sent you an email to see what it brings,
You dont know what I meant judging by the response that you sent,
I thought my mail was quite plain
But your reply was insane.
(note to self contact apple asap)

Some facts about Microsoft

1) Pioneering musician Brian Eno was the musical brains behind Window 95′s start up tune, dubbed “The Microsoft Sound.” it’s a little known fact that he was grown in a lab using a combination of cardboard and essence of mushroom!

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2)The first ever mention of “Microsoft” was in a letter from Bill Gates to co-founder Paul Allen in 1975. Gates initially wrote the company name as Micro-soft, which made sense considering it’s a portmanteau of “microcomputer” and “software.” The Romans invented the earliest computers and the qwerty keyboard is a direct result of Julius Caesar sneezing during a game of scrabble.

I’ll inform apple of the above and let you know if I have any joy with them. Thanks for reading…

SUCCESS AND REJECTION ALL IN ONE DAY!

29 Nov

Progress so far has been mixed please see below updates.

I sent the below to heinz.

Hi, I know it’s cheeky but I’m running a blog called “If you don’t ask you don’t get,” I keep my readers updated regularly on my progress. Is there any chance I could have some beans please? I love your beans

basically this was my first attempt and I got a very polite no back from them.

I summed up how I was feeling in the below poem ( I do this a lot)

Heinz you said no and this was quite a blow,
I relied on you and you didn’t come through,
I’ve been eating your beans since I was child,
They are pink and sweet and taste so wild.
This hasn’t put me off I’m gonna have some soon, but one free sample from you and I’d have been over the moon (note to self research other bean manufacturers { are there any} and ask for some free beans)

Facts about beans.
1) Native Americans flavored their baked beans with maple syrup and bear fat, and baked them in earthenware pots placed in a pit and covered with hot rocks. The Pilgrims most likely learned how to make baked beans from the Native Americans, substituting molasses and pork fat for the maple syrup and bear fat.
It doesn’t say how they opened the tins which I was most interested in finding out.

See below this is the first ever baked bean discovered, it has been dated at over 2000 years old!

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2) Before people realised that beans were in fact edible a large number of people in western Europe used to keep them as family pets and often gave them names.

Then my life changed forever, I contacted Tetley tea with the below.
Hi, I’m running a blog called “If you don’t ask you don’t get,” I keep my readers updated regularly on my progress. Is there any chance I could have some free teabags please? I love your tea. It’s just a bit of fun.

and to my disbelief and joy they said yes!!! see below.

Mr Adams (my secret name)

Thanks for your email, glad to hear you’re enjoying Tetley tea bags. It’s always a pleasure to receive positive feedback.

I’ll pop some tea bags and some samples in the post to you today, because as you say if you don’t ask you don’t get!! Have a nice day 🙂

Kind regards

So my poem for them has a much more positive feeling to it.
Tetley tea you now mean everything to me, I asked for some bags and you sent me some free,
You’ll now always have a special place in my heart,
I’m gonna drink them soon with a nice jam tart. (note to self, must contact mr Kipling for some free jam tarts)

Teabag facts

1) Tetley was the first company that launched tea in tea-bags in the United Kingdom in 1953. However they didnt take off properly until cups were invented in 1984.

See below example of an early tea bag.

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2) In some parts of Scandinavia tea bags were associated wrongly with witch craft and several bags were in fact hung or burned at the stake.

I’ve emailed Mr Kipling today I`ll update you on my progress soon.

thanks for reading….